I came across a rather poignant quote the other day:
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
It’s a rather unsettling topic and it is usually a common theme for people who attend therapy. A person may notice they are unhappy and their relationships feel a bit messy. They feel they have no idea where to turn. When it comes to interpersonal relationships the past does tend to repeat itself. It takes a lot of strength to pull away from an unhealthy relationship. It takes even more strength to examine why we got into that relationship in the first place. This does not extend to romantic relationships only, but also to friends, family and work relationships too.
Simply put, the quote means that we accept whatever treatment we are given from someone, based on what we accept about ourselves. For example, if someone believes they are unattractive, they may accept somebody calling them ugly because they believe it to be true. A wife may accept her husband’s infidelity based on the perception that she cannot give him what he wants sexually. A husband may accept his wife’s controlling nature because he believes that it’s the only way she will love him.
However, this topic is more complicated than it seems. Here are some of reasons we accept ill treatment from people who are close to us:
First: It is deeply rooted in our pasts and parental relationships. We model our relationships based on what we have been exposed to as a child. Children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce early, avoid marriage completely. They may be more open to divorce as a way of solving marital dissatisfaction. This also relates to sibling relationships. Having a toxic brother or sister effects self confidence and views of the opposite sex as reported by people in difficult sibling relationships.
Second: We accept bad treatment because of the fear of being alone. It is human nature to want to be in some kind of relationship with another. Living alone is terrifying for some people and they may find themselves falling into relationships that are not good for them in the first place. Unfortunately many only realise that once the relationship has done some emotional damage.
Third: One may have an unfulfilled sense of self or self image. People who have not discovered their unique self image are ‘social chameleons’ and adapt their personality, opinions and beliefs to blend in with those around them. Because of this, they are more willing to accept being treated badly by others as they are not sure of how they want to be treated in the first place.
The reasons above are very powerful when it comes to deciding on the people we decide to be in relationships with. The most important however, is a lack of self acceptance. This is understanding your flaws, your needs, your desires. It is tying together the aforementioned reasons into one package. When we don’t know ourselves and accept our shortfalls, we become open to disrespect from others.
So, do we accept the love we think we deserve? Yes, we do.
But we shouldn’t.
The first way to break free from an unhealthy relationship is to understand the what, why, who and when. What did you see in the person, why are you in the relationship with them, who are they to you and when did it start to effect you. It takes time, self reflection, patience and being kind to yourself. You deserve it.
Change is always possible and starts with the decision to try.
